Through My Eyes

Maybe it's your eyes 

Or maybe it's how I wish I could trace my lips down that perfect jawline 

Maybe it's your smile that makes my heart speed up a little more 

Maybe it's your humor and the way you put joy in my heart

Maybe it's your apologies when you've done nothing wrong 

Maybe it's the way I feel as if I could write you a thousand songs 

Something about you is so enticing 

I'm drawn to you like the current of electricity 

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes because if you could you would envision the beauty I see and never again wonder about your adequacy 

Girls

I believe I first fell in love with girls when they saved me.

They loved me when I was incapable of loving myself.

They loved me when I would have rather been 6 feet under than above.

Girls cared for me. Cherished me. Saw my beauty.

Few girls discovered the cuts on my body. 

They saw my scars, saw my flaws, and they stayed. 

I remember you saw the sadness in my eyes and to keep me from carving a picture into my skin you would hold my hand. 

I remember the way your body felt around mine when we fell asleep at night.

I remember the way my heart fluttered for you as you gave me life. 

I remember falling for you without even realizing it 

I believe I really fell in love with girls because they loved me, were there for me, and comforted me at my darkest

Forced writing is meaningless. I have become a generic writer just typing out regurgitated words of others. My writing is worthless when it is not raw and true. I am attempting to be something I am not. This is not my heart and soul. My head is spinning but nothing is coming out. If I used to be able to write I cannot anymore for my heart is full but my pen has run dry.

True joy is found only in doing God's will for your life.

Poetry has seemed to curl up and die inside of me. When a part of me was broken it was so simple to "put words together beautifully" and now that life is going well it seems as if poetry has disappeared, as if the words no longer flow from my fingertips. I have never been a good writer, maybe I have never been a writer at all. My writing is average but it will never bring tears to one's eyes or change a part of their lives. I desire to so swiftly and gracefully string words into beautiful phrases but its inadequacy is quite haunting. Music is in my veins, it flows through every fiber of my being but does writing even hold a candle to it? Will I ever write something meaningful? Writing is relief. Writing is escape. But is my writing impactful? I don't believe it is so maybe I should just put my pen down for good. I am not a writer. Some are born with the curse/blessing of having to get words out and their words move in the hearts of others and cause tears to well up in the eyes of people but my writing, all my writing is is a sad joke compared to true writers. So maybe it is finally time to cap my pen and never pick it up again.

Raging Seas

Many people prefer a calm ocean

I prefer raging waves

Walking with Christ is like a violent ocean 

It is rocky and rough but is also beautiful

We are tossed around and many times sink under but Christ always pulls us up just in time 

His love is strong like the waves crashing around us and it covers us completely 

I don't dance but babe I would dance all night with you.
I don't dress up very often but I'd put on my finest attire to go out to simply see the smile on your face and no matter how I look I'd still just glimmer while you shine like a diamond hit by a ray of sun.
I may not like Chinese but I'd eat it every night if it meant eating by your side.
I don't watch scary movies but I would watch them all the time if I got the pleasure of holding your hand.
You see you have me doing things I would never do. You have me smiling like I never have before.
I don't know how our story will end but I know you are meant to be in mine in some way, shape, or form.

It is raining and how I long for you to be here. I would pull you into my arms and lay you down with me and kiss your forehead giving you reminders of how beautiful you are. You and I could watch the rain as it falls upon this city making it gloomy yet even more intriguing. Hearing the sound of the rain against the window and of your breathing against my chest, is more perfect than the sound of a symphony. Our eyes will begin to droop until finally we fall into sleep like the rain that falls around us. Darling it is raining and I want nothing more than to hold you close to me. 

I don't cry but somehow I'm finding tears streaming down my face once again because of you. I promised myself I wouldn't cry about you again because you didn't deserve my tears but of course you had to break me one more time. Do not tell me you love me if you do not mean it. You don't care about me like you say you do. You don't break someone over and over who you truly love. 

I can't sleep because of you and my mother's face shows her worry when she finds me wide awake when birds begin to chirp. I say it's summer and kids always stay up this late, it's normal. But I'm sitting here and my whole body is shaking and I get up and pace the floor. Your words haunt my mind and I feel trapped somewhere inside my own brain. I want to get out, I want my heart back, I want to forget you. How I regret that first day we talked. I'm here 6 months later, utterly shattered by you. I can't sleep and my pen seems to be my only friend. I suppose this will suffice because I do not want to sleep and dream of you tonight. I'll stay awake until I see the sun and hope to one day love another one. 

My head is swimming and I'm starting to drown in my thoughts.

I am so utterly in love with you. I have been trying my best not to be, to move on but it is beginning to seem impossible. For a second I felt fine without you until you called  and you once more called me babe again and told me so much of you wanted to be with me, that you were just too scared of losing me because thats something you couldn't handle and how you desperately needed me. You said no matter who I am with that I would always be yours that you and I are the ones who are meant to be and you told me how beautiful I was. I swear I am trying my hardest to get over you but you make it so hard. I saw in your eyes how much you loved me which you don't tend to show and that is when I knew I would fight to the death to make this work with you. You love me and I love you so we should be together, it's as simple as that, right? Wrong. We may love each other but you may never get the courage to love me as I love you. So please return my heart to me, it is now broken I know but I still would like the pieces to try to put back together.

Drunk you asked me how I could handle sober you because sober you was a jerk but what you don't understand is that both drunk and sober you have my heart.

I am sorry I am not enough for you or her or anyone else. I can't be what you want or need or miss. My all is inedequate and I am sorry for that.

All at once it seems as if everyone falls apart at the same time and you have to have the strength to hold them all up but what if your barrier is beginning to crack too? What then? God knows I'm trying because my problems are so miniscule compared to others and I have no right to feel this way. Keep it together because if you don't then who else will. Everyone is breaking down and I'm afraid I may be teetering on the edge myself too.

I do not wish to die. But I close my eyes for a few seconds when I am driving by myself sometimes. I once told this to my friend and she looked at me as if I was insane and just played it off as a joke. Most people would be stressed out and tense if they did this. Doing this soothes me strangely, puts a calmness over me. For death seems inviting. It calls my name and offers a bittersweet escape to our remedial lives. It promises no more pain and an end to the struggles we face. No more dealing with inconsidereate people or bumps on the everyday road of life. I could so easily pull the wheel and be gone in the blink of an eye. I am driving, it is late at night and death is serenading me, drawing me in closer. I open my eyes as I begin to drift. I do not want to die but oh death it is inviting.

Get good grades. Work hard. Worry about yourself. Go to college. Make a good living. Become something. So much of our lives we live in the future. Looking forward to this or that. We wish our time away. We spend hours on technology, in a whole different world, not caring to actually interact with people or take the time to know them. We feel entitled to always be completely entertained. We easily say we are bored when there is so much to do in life. Look around you. The world is beautiful, there is nothing boring about it. Go explore it. We are so caught up in ourselves we forget to even glance at others. Our world is so me focused. While we complain over no internet for a day, people around the world starve. Stop being so selfish. For if you are living just for your own gain are you truly living at all.

I am attracted to broken people. They are intriguing. I want to know why they are so broken and what made them shatter into a million pieces that they somehow can't seem to be put back together. Sure parts of them are whole but so much of them has been left on the ground for people to step on and just create more brokeness. Few people though have managed to come in and pick up their pieces and put them together, once again making this person a tiny bit more whole again but majority chooses to break them even more. Broken people have stories, they are fighters, they are strong, a little screwed up and twisted yes but what's the fun in a completely sane person, I am attracted to broken people. I desire to know them.

A breeze that pierces into your soul Making your heart feel complete and full The love of the sea for the sand is infinite Returning to its shore everytime it is pushed away

Blue

Blue. It is the tears that flow from my eyes when I have lost who I am. It is the heart of winter when the ground is made new and the earth seems frozen in time. It is the color of your beautiful eyes which I get lost in forever leaving me breathless every time I glance at them.

1/28/14 2:48 a.m. You softly whisper the words "I love you" 3/9/14 "I was never in love with you, just the idea of you." Two months time was all it took to make you not mine What is love? It is not you You took my heart and tore it apart without a second glance Never enough is what I thought as you turned your back and chose her and not me You know more about me than you should My eyes betray me as they look at you with love Oh how I wish hate filled my gaze instead For you left me here in this empty bed

Love does not need a reason why sometimes. All I know is you came into my life and stole my heart and I want yours more than the world.

When I tried to make you stay

I can't promise you that I'll never hurt you because at some point no matter who it is, they're going to hurt you a little because people screw up and no one is perfect but I can promise you that I will treat you the best I can because that's what you deserve and you honestly deserve better than me but I will love you with everything I can. Things are different with you, from the moment we met I felt comfortable with you and I may not believe in love at first sight but I believe in a first click and dear God did we click. You make me smile and make me happy. Your voice makes me melt. You are hilarious, you are a pain in my butt, you have a beautiful personality and your looks are gorgeous as well and your heart which never ceases to amaze me. This distance is hard, unbearable almost, there is nothing more I would rather do than be with you and hold you and go on adventures with you and treat you like you should be treated. I will however call you everyday so I can hear your voice and smile and send you gifts so you know I think of you in everything I see and if you really needed me I would take the first flight to you no matter what the consequences when I return. I would find my way to you though. This is not easy but we could do it if you take my hand and take this journey with me. So here's my heart on a page. Take your time I understand. I want this. I want you.

Faith

Faith.
Believing in what may be the unknown. Taking a leap into nothingness trusting to be caught. I read once that faith the size of a mustard seed could move mountains so what if I had faith that was even only the size of my heart. I can't see you but you are like the wind, I can feel you. In my bones. In my heart. In my soul. I feel your love. This faith is so unshakeable, unbreakable, it is a part of my inmost being. It courses through my veins supplying me with the strength to take step after step into the unknown darkness.
Faith.

Trust

Trust.
Months to earn, seconds to break down. It is fragile like a newborn baby. It must be nurtured until grown into a bundle of love. One lie. One mistake. That is all it takes and trust is gone like the breeze. It is not easily earned but it is worth every second of the time to build the castle it becomes in the hearts and the minds of the ones you love.
Trust.

And lately it seems like I am heaving through broken lungs because the first time I saw you I was left breatheless in awe of you. My breathe was yours since that day. Every rising of my body with the intake of oxygen and every beat of my heart was yours. When you left my breathe never returned because it was forever yours. So now I am left here, alone, grasping for the air to survive.

If sound could produce colors your laugh would be a beautiful sunrise I want to watch forever.